10|14|24Greetings, Gem. I pray you’re well, and I hope you’ve been relishing all your hard work and progress.
Let’s get into it!
Love on the Rocks x Shanice
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Have you ever found yourself pushing someone away when things start to feel too good?
Or maybe you pick fights over the smallest things, question their intentions, or constantly worry that they’ll abandon you?
Keep in mind, Gem: this is a safe space.
Many of us, whether we realize it or not, have sabotaged our romantic relationships out of fear, insecurity, or old wounds that have never quite healed. Self-sabotage in relationships isn’t about being difficult or even hard to love; it’s a defense mechanism that often kicks in when vulnerability feels too overwhelming. But here’s the thing: recognizing and overcoming these patterns is the first step toward building healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Of course, I’ve done a bit of research on the matter, so let’s explore a bit why we self-sabotage our relationships and how we can start to break free from these cycles.
Self-sabotage in relationships is when we unconsciously (or sometimes consciously) engage in behaviors that undermine our connections with others. It might look like picking fights, withdrawing emotionally, being overly critical, or constantly doubting our partner’s feelings. These actions aren’t random; they’re usually rooted in deeper fears, past experiences, or unmet needs that shape how we relate to others.
Research published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology suggests that self-sabotage often stems from a fear of intimacy, abandonment, or feeling unworthy of love. It’s a way of protecting ourselves from potential pain, rejection, or disappointment. But in doing so, we often create the very outcomes we fear the most. Crazy how that works, right?
Now, before we can overcome self-sabotage, we need to recognize it. Here are some common signs that you might be sabotaging your relationships:
Constantly Questioning Your Partner’s Intentions: Do you find yourself always second-guessing their motives or feeling like you can’t trust their words?
Pushing Them Away When Things Get Serious: When the relationship deepens, do you suddenly feel the urge to retreat, ghost, or create distance?
Picking Fights Over Small Things: You find yourself getting upset over minor issues, turning them into bigger problems than they are.
Avoiding Vulnerability: You keep your guard up, avoid deep conversations, or struggle to share your true feelings.
Self-Criticism and Insecurity: You constantly worry that you’re not good enough or that your partner will lose interest in you
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming yourself. But as I said, we must acknowledge how these behaviors serve as coping mechanisms for deeper fears.
Acknowledging our behaviors can and should be the key to shifting our behavior. Here are some common reasons behind self-sabotage:
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: If you’ve experienced rejection or loss in the past, you might try to protect yourself by ending things before you get hurt. It’s the “I’ll leave you before you can leave me” mindset.
Low Self-Worth: When you don’t believe you’re deserving of love, you might unconsciously act in ways that push people away, validating those negative beliefs.
Fear of Vulnerability: Letting someone in means risking that they might hurt you. Keeping your guard up or pushing them away feels safer than the risk of being hurt again.
Unresolved Past Trauma: Unhealed wounds from previous relationships or childhood can resurface, causing us to react in ways that protect us from experiencing similar pain.
Overthinking and Overanalyzing: You might spend too much time in your head, questioning every move or comment, leading to self-doubt and actions that create tension in the relationship.
Gem, overcoming self-sabotage requires awareness, self-compassion, and a willingness to challenge your fears. Here are some strategies to help you break the cycle and start building healthier, more secure relationships:
Identify Your Patterns and Triggers: Pay attention to when you feel the urge to push away or react defensively. Is it when things start to feel serious or when you feel vulnerable? Understanding your triggers can help you respond more thoughtfully.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you catch yourself thinking, “They’ll probably leave me” or “I’m not good enough,” pause and challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself if there’s evidence to support them or if they’re rooted in fear rather than reality.
Communicate Openly: Instead of withdrawing or acting out, try expressing your fears and insecurities with your partner. Vulnerability builds connection, and often, our partners are more understanding than we give them credit for.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Recognize that self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re broken or unlovable; it’s a sign that you’re human and protecting yourself in the only way you know how. Self-compassion can help you forgive yourself and move forward.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy or counseling can be incredibly helpful in understanding the root causes of self-sabotage and developing healthier relationship skills. Sometimes, having a neutral party to guide you through your thoughts and feelings can make all the difference.
Focus on the Present, Not the Past: It’s easy to let past hurts dictate our present actions but remember that this relationship is not your last one. Practice staying present and reminding yourself that your partner is not the source of past pain.
Love is messy, and sometimes, so are we. But each day, each moment we choose to be present, honest, and vulnerable, we take a step closer to the relationships we deserve. So, here’s to breaking the toxic cycle, embracing our beautiful imperfections, and opening ourselves up to the love we’ve been holding ourselves back from. It’s beyond time!
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Gem, share this blog with someone who needs a reminder that their fears don’t define them and that they’re worthy of love, just as they are.
Let’s keep growing, healing, and loving without holding back.
Until next time, remember that every step forward is a victory, and you are neverrrr alone on this journey. Ever. -Shanice
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